Stephen Colbert Takes Issue With Likening Rudy Giuliani to a Hand Grenade


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The former top Russia expert on the National Security Council, Fiona Hill, testified in Thursday’s impeachment hearing, confirming not only Rudy Giuliani’s involvement with the Ukraine investigation into Joe Biden, but also that her former boss, John Bolton, once referred to Giuliani as a “hand grenade that was going to blow everyone up.”

“I don’t know about ‘hand grenade.’ Rudy seems more like a molotov cocktail — used by Russians and full of alcohol.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Fiona said that her boss, John Bolton, thought Rudy Giuliani’s actions would come back to haunt us. I’m sorry, but does Rudy Giuliani really look like someone that would haunt you?” — JIMMY FALLON

“She was so thorough, Trump doesn’t have to go back for phase two of his annual physical. The prostate has been checked.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

David Holmes, an aide at the United States Embassy in Kyiv, also testified, confirming that he had overheard President Trump’s July phone call with Gordon Sondland, the ambassador to the European Union. Trump responded on Twitter: “I have been watching people making phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have I been watching a person making a call, which was not on speakerphone, and been able to hear or understand a conversation. I’ve even tried, but to no avail.”

“Well, you know what, the thing is, the human voice really reverberates from inside a tanning bed.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“This is a man who holds press conferences in front of a running helicopter, so I think you can hear him over a phone receiver. And if his best defense against impeachment is ‘I’m not loud,’ he’s gonna be in prison by Tuesday.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Maybe because you’ve been watching phone calls. Try listening to them. [Imitating Trump] ‘No matter how wide I open my eyes, I couldn’t hear a thing. I might need glasses.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“That’s just how old people talk into phones. They think every phone is like a ham radio during World War II: ‘Hello, is anyone out there? Are you receiving this message?’” — SETH MEYERS

“You shouldn’t feel bad about not seeing it, because last night’s Democratic debate was the least-watched Democratic debate yet. Yes, yeah, true story. The ratio was one viewer for every one candidate.” — CONAN O’BRIEN

“Andrew Yang supporters are angry that their candidate didn’t get to talk very much last night. Yeah. And Joe Biden’s supporters are angry that theirs did.” — CONAN O’BRIEN

“Wow, in a two-hour debate, Andrew Yang only got to speak for six minutes and 53 seconds. That’s nothing. Like, there are rappers who speak more before their song even starts.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Meanwhile, Joe Biden had some pretty big blunders on issues of race and domestic violence — I don’t know if you saw this. Or as Biden’s campaign is calling it, ‘a pretty average night.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Yeah, Biden also caught heat for saying that he ‘came out of the black community.’ When she heard that, Rachel Dolezal was like, ‘Well, he has my vote.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Well, that’s the thing about Joe Biden: He’s not afraid to say the wrong thing.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

On the Season 1 finale of “Desus & Mero,” the co-hosts invited Senator Elizabeth Warren to help them complete an escape room.





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